


not easy to forget

by aelandair



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Extremely Sad Attempt at Masturbation, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, canonverse, really just Levi missing Erwin and being sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:21:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28320798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aelandair/pseuds/aelandair
Summary: Levi's thirty-eighth birthday is not a happy one.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 12
Kudos: 88
Collections: Amazing EruRi Fics





	not easy to forget

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas, here's some angst!

Levi’s thirty-eighth birthday is not a happy one. 

He’s not particularly surprised about it. His birthdays have rarely been happy, in the past. He never really understood the appeal of it all, anyway. There has never been a reason to celebrate being born into this shithole of a world, nothing good about being born at all. He never saw a reason to acknowledge his birthday, because what good was there about surviving one more year, when it was just going to be as terrible as the one before that? 

Levi has, however, celebrated his birthday a few times in the past. 

There are some vague memories, of his mother getting him presents, when she was still alive. Nothing big, of course. Just small gifts and trinkets, because there wasn’t enough money for more. But she cared, and she wanted to give him something, make his day special, even if she couldn’t afford much. Looking back, Levi realizes how much effort she put into it, into caring for him, even when she didn’t have much. It’s days like this when he misses her, more than usual, thinking that, maybe, things would have been different if she hadn’t died. 

But, then again, he barely remembers her. Maybe she didn’t actually do any of that, and it’s just wishful thinking, making him remember the brief time he had with her all wrong. 

Of course, there was a time when his birthdays were  _ truly  _ happy days for him. A few short years when he did celebrate, after he joined the Survey Corps. Levi never  _ told  _ Erwin the date, but Erwin, attentive as he was, saw it on Levi’s paperwork. He always tried to make the day special for Levi, no matter how reluctant Levi was to let him. 

The memory makes him ache now, like most memories do. 

He can still feel the ghost of Erwin’s touch on his skin, soft kisses pressed to his bare shoulder, a gentle  _ happy birthday _ whispered into his ear first thing in the morning. 

That’s not how things are, now. Things haven’t been like this in a while. 

He’s turning thirty-eight today.    


As old as Erwin was, when he died on that rooftop. 

There’s something exquisitely painful about the knowledge that he’ll be older than Erwin ever was. That it’s been four years. And here Levi is, still going, still waiting. Alone.

Levi sighs heavily and gets out of bed, slowly, his movements rusty, limbs heavy, body aching. He’s glad now that he had the foresight to take the day off, even though it’s something he rarely ever does. But he is filled with bone-deep exhaustion, and it’s much worse than he thought it would be, making his every move sluggish and careful. He’s lucky, he supposes, that his birthday is in winter, when the Survey Corps is less busy, and he can afford to spend the entire day cooped up in his room. 

Really, Levi just wants to spend the rest of the day in bed. 

It’s almost funny, how much trouble he used to have sleeping, never being able to close his eyes and rest for more than a handful of hours at a time. The first few months after the Shiganshina mission, it was even worse, and he spent the days in a haze, always tired yet waking up drenched in sweat form yet another nightmare after only a few short minutes of sleep. 

But recently, sleeping is all he wants to do. He feels like he’s never sleeping enough, is out cold as soon as he climbs into bed and has difficulties waking up in the morning, his eyes always heavy. He wants to spend the whole day asleep, and it only seems to get worse, his limbs tired and his eyes heavy. As if his body is making up for lost time. Or maybe he’s just depressed. It’s not like there’s a difference, really. 

Levi walks from the bed to the corner of the room, floorboards creaking under his bare feet. No matter how sluggish he feels, how little drive he has to do anything at all, he still wants to get clean. He washes his face and shaves at the wash basin, looks at himself in the mirror when he’s done. 

He looks older. His face is drawn, hair greying at his temples. He wonders what Erwin would think of that. Still remembers making fun of Erwin, when he started going grey, even though it was barely noticeable with the golden-blond colour of his hair. 

There are dark circles under his eyes, and wrinkles around the corners of them, on his forehead, from frowning all the time, probably. They make him look older than he is, much more weary, but Levi decides to ignore that. No use in getting worked up over his appearance. 

He drags a hand through his hair, turns to examine the room. 

It used to be Erwin’s room. Levi didn’t really change anything about it, just took his few personal belongings and brought them here, right after they came back from Shiganshina. Hanji didn’t even try to stop him back then, even though there’s usually paperwork involved in this sort of thing. They probably figured it would be no use anyway, and they were right about that. Levi doesn’t think there’s anything that could have stopped him then, half mad with grief and longing. And he hadn’t really been living in his own quarters before, anyway, staying with Erwin most of the time instead. 

The thought of all of Erwin’s things being moved out of this room, someone else coming to live here, and changing everything… Levi couldn’t stand it back then, and he can’t stand it now. He wanted to hang on to everything that he could possibly keep. Still wants that. And with Erwin having no living family members, there wasn’t anyone but Levi who could want all of Erwin’s belongings. 

So the room has stayed the same, the shelfs still full of books and notebooks and little boxes, gear and tools, souvenirs and trinkets. The old wooden table pushed against the wall, with two chairs, one of them always empty now. Parchment and quills and ink piled on top of the dresser. The bolo tie on the bedside table. Erwin’s clothes still in the closet, neatly separated from Levi’s own. 

When he opens the closet, he is greeted by the sight of it: small shirts and jackets hanging on one side, larger ones on the other side. Levi looks at it all for a long moment. Is hesitant to pick something out. But, fuck it. It’s his birthday today. He deserves this, deserves to indulge in it for at least a day. 

He pulls one of Erwins old button-ups from its hanger and puts it on over his underwear. It’s too big on him; he’s practically swimming in the crisp white fabric, the sleeves falling down over his hands and covering half his upper thighs. On instinct, he turns his head into the collar, sniffing. But, of course, the shirt doesn’t smell like Erwin anymore. Four years is a long time. 

Levi doesn’t allow himself to do this often, to wear Erwin’s clothes, hoping that maybe he’ll feel closer to him that way. At first, it was especially because he wanted to preserve the smell still sticking to the garments, but also because he feels a bit pathetic doing it, and overly indulgent. Now, he reserves it for special occasions. 

Wearing Erwin’s clothes is both comforting and painful. It brings back memories, of Levi doing this back when Erwin was still alive, parading around the room in one of Erwin’s oversized shirts and nothing else, partly embarrassed and partly smug, because Erwin always liked seeing Levi in his clothes, and he enjoyed the way Erwin would look at him, fond and hungry at the same time. They were both smiling, acting all soft and playful around each other in these rare moments of quiet and relaxation, before Erwin would peel the button-up right off of his body and devour him. 

The memory makes Levi smile now, as he walks over to the table, where he still has some leftover food. But he can only stomach a few small bites of dry bread before his stomach twists up, and really, he shouldn’t be surprised about that. His appetite is all over the place, nowadays, and while he knows he has to eat at some point, he figures he can just do it later, when he can actually stomach something without fear of vomiting it all up again. 

Again, he has to think about Erwin, and the gifts he used to get for Levi. Levi never asked for anything, told him not to bother with any presents, but that didn’t stop Erwin, of course. And in the end, he somehow always managed to get Levi things he actually liked, like some fancy, rare tea that was probably way too expensive, or little sweet pastries, and other small things like that. 

Levi sighs heavily, trudges back to the bed, and buries himself under the covers, wrapping the soft blanket around him tightly. The bed used to smell like Erwin, too, but it doesn’t anymore, hasn’t for a long time now. The whole room used to smell like Erwin. Sometimes, Levi imagines he still catches a whiff of it, and it catches him off-guard every time, the familiarity of it, and how much he misses it. But then it’s gone almost as soon as he notices it, and he feels as lost again as he did the first few days after Erwin left. When he couldn’t go anywhere or do anything without thinking about him. 

Sometimes he still can’t do anything without thinking about Erwin. 

Slowly, Levi turns in bed, so he can look out the window. There are tiny ice crystals clinging to the glass at places. It’s snowing, has been for days now, thick white flakes falling down from the overcast sky, covering the ground and the barren tires and piling up in little heaps on the windowsill. It’s hypnotizing, the way the wind makes the snow swirl and tumble and dance in unpredictable patterns. 

Levi likes snow, actually. The first time he saw snow was just a few months after Isabel and Farlan died, and the memory of it is still clear in his mind. He remembers sitting up on the roof for hours, Erwin next to him, the both of them bundled up in their thick coats, passing around a bottle of hot tea. It was one of the first times he really felt close to Erwin. They’d been spending time together before, of course, but this was one of the first times it felt as if they were truly friends, not just colleagues, and one of the first times Levi felt that special spark of affection in Erwin’s presence. 

He never really noticed just how much his life was entwined with Erwin’s until Erwin was suddenly gone. 

With nothing to do and nowhere to go, Levi spends the day like this: Lazily lounging around, napping more than he usually allows himself to, only leaving the bed once or twice to go to the bathroom and get something to drink. He allows himself to wallow in memories. That’s his birthday present to himself, looking at all these moments in the past he usually tries very hard not to think about. Because they’re too much of a distraction. Because they hurt too much. 

He’s doing better now than in these first few weeks after. At least he likes to think he does. But it’s still hard. All of it. 

At one point in the late afternoon, Levi tries to jerk off. Because why the fuck not, right? He doesn’t really do that a lot anymore, has lost his libido a long time ago. Mostly it just makes him feel sad now, but he figures it’s his birthday, so he might as well indulge in this, or at least try to. 

He takes himself in hand, eyes closed, the sheets hugging his body warmly, and starts stroking himself gently. But soon after he starts, he feels overwhelmed. There are images swirling around in his head, conjured up almost involuntarily, of Erwin, over him and around him and inside him. He remembers the passion of it, and how gentle they sometimes were with each other, how careful. 

But touching himself doesn’t even come close to that, to the way Erwin’s fingers felt on his heated skin, his soft lips and hungry kisses. And now, all Levi can think about is how he’s alone in this bed, and no one is whispering loving words or utter filth into his ear, and leaving bruises on his skin, or soothing them with open-mouthed kisses. 

He goes soft, then, has never gotten completely hard to begin with. With a sigh, he stops, and turns over in bed again, pressing his face into the pillows. Figures that Erwin would ruin jerking off for him, the possessive bastard.

That thought almost makes Levi smile. Almost. 

There isn’t much to do, afterwards, but honestly, there’s not much Levi  _ wants _ to do. That’s why he usually dislikes idle days like this; too much time to think. He likes being busy, having to move, having things to do. That’s good, that’s distracting, keeps his mind from spiralling out of control. Still, today he can’t bring himself to get up and do anything of consequence, can’t even muster the energy to clean or eat or whatever the fuck he usually does. 

After a long time, Levi sighs, and does what he’s been avoiding all day. 

He leans over, and takes Erwin’s bolo tie from the bedside table. The weight of it feels familiar in his hand, and he carefully takes it in, catalogues all the details; the string, the green stone nestled in the middle of it, still shining, because Levi polishes it regularly. Looking at it now, he remembers gripping the stupid thing to pull Erwin into a kiss, something he did so many times he lost count over the years. 

It  _ hurts  _ to look at it, maybe more than anything else does. He can still see it so clearly, how Erwin looked with the thing wrapped around his neck, the stone resting between his collarbones. 

Levi breathes out heavily and closes his eyes, curls up on his side, pulling his knees up. He closes his fist around the bolo tie, so tightly it hurts, the edges of the stone digging into his palm, and clutches it to his chest. His breathing is shaky, and all of a sudden, his eyes are burning, and he hates it, he hates this, hates it so much. It’s been fours years, but sometimes it still feels like it happened yesterday, like he was just sitting on that rooftop a few minutes ago, like he is sitting there right now, watching Erwin take his last breath, again and again and again. He can never get these images out of his head, can never forget them, and even if he doesn’t focus on them for a short while, they’re always there, lurking just around the corner, threatening to jump him at any minute. 

It all hurts so fucking much, even after all this time, and it just never ends. 

Levi tries to blink away the tears gathering in his eyes. This rarely ever happens; he doesn’t  _ cry _ , has seen enough fucked up shit in his life, and has learned to keep it all locked up inside. But maybe today really is a special occasion, and it doesn’t matter, anyway. There’s no one here to see him. 

“I miss you,” he whispers into the empty room, voice small and broken. 

There’s no response, of course. It’s as quiet as before, the only sounds his own choppy breathing and the howling of the wind outside, the walls and floorboards occasionally creaking with old age. 

Levi lets out a shuddering sigh, curls up tighter, wrapping the blankets around himself to keep the cold out. He imagines, for just a brief moment, soft fingers, stroking his hair, his cheek, down his neck. Strong arms wrapped around his body, hands resting on his back, comforting, warm. It’s easy to imagine, with his eyes closed. 

But, of course, there’s nothing there. 

There’s never anything there. 

He’s all alone. 

***

It’s dark outside by the time he finally manages to get out of bed. He washes up, gets dressed properly, in his own clothes, and leaves the room. Most soldiers are asleep already, and dinner was served hours ago, so the corridors are mostly empty as he walks through the quiet headquarters.

There is still leftover food in the mess hall, and Levi fills up two plates, then makes his way towards the Commander’s office. He doesn’t even have to pay attention to where he goes, knows the way by heart after all these years, could find it blindfolded if he had to. 

The heavy door looks like it always does, but Levi still has to take a deep, steadying breath as he reaches it. He doesn’t knock, because he has never bothered with that, and he’s not going to start now. The door creaks as he opens it and enters the dimly lit room. 

Hanji is, as predicted, sitting behind the large wooden desk, and they look up when Levi closes the door behind him. 

The sight of it, of Hanji sitting at that desk, in that chair, in this office, doesn’t hurt like it used to, doesn’t make his heart clench as badly anymore. In the beginning, it always surprised him when he came here and someone other than Erwin was occupying the room. But he stopped expecting to see Erwin when he steps into this room long ago, and now all that is left is a dull ache, one he can almost ignore. 

“Levi,” Hanji says, and it’s obvious they’re surprised by his visit. “What are you doing here? You took the day off.” 

Levi rolls his eyes, walks over to the desk undeterred and puts one of the plates in front of Hanji. Then, he settles into the chair on his side of the desk, and holds up his own plate. 

“Brought you food. I know you skip meals if I don’t pay attention to make sure you’re eating.” 

Hanji chuckles at that, because they know he’s right. They both start eating their meals in silence, which is a rare occurrence with Hanji, because they always have something to say. But they must sense that Levi isn’t in the mood for conversation, and he appreciates that. 

And this, too, is so familiar yet so different that it makes something inside Levi twist up. He remembers countless evenings spent in this office, sharing his meals with Erwin, because Erwin was always too careless when it came to his own wellbeing. Thinking about it now, as he sits here doing the same for Hanji, is strange. Levi isn’t sure he likes the way it makes him feel, the way absolutely everything he does is still somehow tied to Erwin. 

“I know you don’t like the attention, and presents, but I got you something for your birthday,” Hanji says after a while, when they’re both done with their meals. 

Levi blinks, taken aback. He didn’t expect that, is genuinely surprised by Hanji’s words. 

“I-” he starts, having half a mind to protest, because Hanji is right, he _ doesn’t  _ like the attention, and he  _ doesn’t  _ like presents, when they lift a hand, effectively cutting him off. 

“It’s nothing big, but I thought you might like it,” they explain as they start rummaging around in one of the drawers. 

Levi waits, quietly, as they retrieve a small tin and hand it over to him. He looks down at it, and a small smile spreads on his face, against his will. It’s a rare tea, one he likes to buy from time to time, that he knows Hanji must have gotten on their last trip to the Capital, because there’s only one store he knows of that sells it. Again, he feels a pang as he remembers that Erwin used to get it for him too, sometimes. 

“Thank you,” he mumbles, and he means it, is genuinely touched that Hanji got him this, even though he doesn’t like receiving gifts. 

Hanji smiles, too, but there’s a sadness to it that he knows all too well. 

“You’re welcome. Happy birthday, Levi.” 

And he knows, by the way they look at him, all gentle and careful, that Hanji knows why this day is so hard for him. Why there is a part of him that has been dreading this birthday, that wants to scream at the unfairness of it all. Levi has to close his eyes, then, and take a deep breath to steady himself. He can’t help it. He misses Erwin all the fucking time, and today it’s even worse, because he can’t stop thinking about how he’s as old as Erwin, now, and how wrong that is. It shouldn’t have been like this. There shouldn’t have been a time for him to be older than Erwin, and it hurts to know that this is his reality, that every year from now on will remind him that Erwin didn’t make it as far. 

“I’m sorry,” Hanji mumbles. 

Levi doesn’t have to open his eyes to know that they’re hurting, too. Sometimes he forgets this, that he isn’t alone in his grief, that he is allowed to show it in front of Hanji, and that they knew Erwin too, miss him too. When he first met them, he never would have thought that one day, he’d be glad to have Hanji as his friend, to know they have his back. But now, he’s glad they’re still here with him, sharing his pain, though it’s different for them, and helping him out of his own head when he needs it. 

Sometimes, on days like this, it’s incredibly easy for him to think about giving up. He knows he shouldn’t think like that, but sometimes he can’t help it. 

But then he remembers that he isn’t completely alone, not yet. And that he still has a vow to fulfill. And that they have plans for the future, grand plans. 

And he knows that Erwin wouldn’t want him to give up. 

Erwin, who pulled him from the underground, and told him to look for the stars even in the darkest of nights. 

And so Levi goes on, keeps missing Erwin, more with every passing day, but keeps fighting for him, too. And he doesn’t give up. Not yet.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I have no idea if this could be canon-compliant timeline-wise because the canon timeline confuses the heck out of me.   
> Also, this was the first eruri thing I wrote in, what, four years? Which was exciting but I also made myself sad with this.  
> If you want to chat about eruri or tell me off for writing sad things, you can find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/aelandair)!


End file.
